Written By: Jonathan Zalesne
After having worked with many different couples in different stages of relationships, I can say with great confidence that emotional validation is incredibly important to relational success. So what is it and how can you incorporate it into your relationship?
Emotional validation is accepting another person’s emotional experience as their truth and honoring it with kindness and curiosity. In other words, it is accepting another person’s thoughts and feelings as valid. Emotional validation is meeting another person where they are, in whatever they are feeling.
Why is emotional validation so important to relationships?
Emotional validation is critical in relationships because it allows for each individual partner to feel heard, acknowledged and understood. Typically, when relationships lack emotional validation, one or both partners tend to feel alone, misunderstood, rejected, and frustrated.
Imagine pouring your heart out to your partner only to have them respond with, “ok” or “makes sense.” It is a big risk to share something real, important, vulnerable, and scary. That when it is met without emotional validation, it is as though you are standing on the edge of a cliff alone. It almost takes my breath away. You take a huge leap of faith to let your partner in to your internal world, that if you are not caught by your partner it can feel devastating. Sometimes, that devastation turns into anger, “I just shared something huge with you, where are you?!” This example kicks off a negative interaction cycle between lovers where now the receiving partner has to defend him or herself, and off to the races we go.
When partners show up for one another with emotional validation, responding with things like, “wow, that must be so hard” or “I totally get why you’re so upset, I would be too if that were me,” it sets the stage for much deeper connection (and it also prevents a negative cycle from firing up). When partners are able to validate one another, it creates a sense of safety and acceptance in the relationship, allowing for much greater exploration into the depth of each person’s experience. This builds such strong bonds between partners, and helps them to understand themselves and each other at much deeper levels.
The long and short of it is that by simply validating your partners’ experience, you increase vulnerability in the relationship, build trust, strengthen your bond, and help your partner to move through with much greater ease whatever it is they are experiencing. And, at a bare minimum, you decrease the chances of creating conflict.
How exactly do you emotionally validate?
First: Identify the emotion that the other is experiencing.
This sounds simple, but it is not always. Sometimes, the person doesn’t even know what it is they are feeling. So, exploring the emotion if you don’t know it may sound like, “it seems like” or “it sounds like” you are feeling [sad], for example. There is a curiosity involved as you seek to understand. If your partner has stated how they are feeling, reflect it: “You are feeling really sad right now,” “You are telling me that you are frustrated with your boss.” This is also known as “tracking” and let’s your partner know that you are right there with them in their experience.
Second: Go deeper.
Ask your partner to share more. Really try to understand the depth of their experience. Be curious. Explore with them. Ask for details. This might sound like, “tell me more” or “how did that statement from your boss impact you” or “is this a pattern, have you felt this way before?” It might even sound like, “I so deeply care about you which is why I really want to know more about this”
As you get a better understanding of the details you will (hopefully) really be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes to be able to feel along with them their experience.
Third: Feel it.
Pay attention to your body and your own experience. See if you can get in touch with what your partner is experiencing inside of yourself. Be aware of how you are reacting and what you are feeling as you watch your partner cry (for example). Name it. Talk about it. Share what is coming up for you. This might sound like, “I’m so sad that you are hurting so much” or “I’m noticing that I’m feeling anxious even as you describe this, no wonder you are so frustrated.”
Fourth: Validate it.
The final step here is actually validating the experience. Validating is the opposite of shaming. We want to actively state that their feelings/emotions/perspectives make sense based on their experiences and views of the world. This might sound like, “It makes sense that you feel this way,” “I understand why you are feeling this way, I would too if it were me,” or simply, “I get it, that really sucks.”
Lastly, practice, practice, practice. This is a skill that can be challenging to do, so be patient with yourself. Talk about it after. Ask your partner how that was for them? Be curious with yourself so that you can grow and change and adapt to what works best for your partner and your relationship. Be gentle with yourself as you learn. Simply, do your best.
For more help with this and to increase your relational depth, visit us at Colorado Center to explore therapy options for Couples and Families.